If you have read the comments beneath the previous seven questions, you will see that I personally think that you are going to have to be very determined indeed if you are going to avoid a relapse to heavy drinking. May be you will be lucky and find it a breeze, but if you do, you will be in a very small minority of those that go through detox and try to remain abstinent. Sometimes being determined to achieve something involves making difficult choices. None of us can do everything, and none of us can keep everyone pleased all at the same time.
For example, you may have decided that you are interested in education of some kind, and this may involve having to sit an exam. You know the exam is going to involve a lot of preparation and study if you are going to pass it, and you may need to pay for the course which involves doing extra hours at work as well as studying. You know that you don't stand a chance of passing the exam unless you put in the required amount of study, and you can't even start the course unless you work harder to pay for it. On the other hand you may have other responsibilities in your life such as children, and you may have friends that expect to see you on a regular basis. You know that if you carry on giving as much time to your children and friends, there's no way you will be able to afford the course and pass the exam. Equally, you know that if you want to pass the exam your children and friends will have to see you less. What are you going to do? Pass the exam or give as much time as usual to your children and friends?
Now this is a difficult decision, and different people will make different choices in this situation. If you choose to do the course some people would consider you selfish, and I would agree with them as the meaning of selfish to me is that you are doing something just for you, and putting other people second - forwarding your education and career is primarily about you, although there may be long term benefits for others in your life such as an increased salary.
But that doesn't automatically make it the wrong decision. Maybe its time you did something just for you; maybe others expect too much from you and have started to take you for granted - it might even do them good to learn that you are not always there for them.
When it comes to making a decision to give up drinking and stay dry you will be faced with many decisions like this. People you have known for years and who you enjoy drinking with will expect you to still be there with them. You may get invited to a wedding, or a party; you may usually see your relatives at Christmas - all these situations will usually involve readily available alcohol. Are you going to place yourself in a situation surrounded by people who are drinking, and who may be trying to persuade you to have a drink? Or are you going to give your apologies and not turn up? I know what I would advise you to do - especially for the first few months following detox - I would definitely advise you to be 100% selfish about the matter. Politely give your apologies, and don't turn up. Think about you first.
Why am I so clear about this? Because if you have become addicted to alcohol, the only way you stand a realistic chance of being selfless and giving and helping in the longer term, is to be totally single-minded and selfish about what you have to do (stay dry) in the short term. I call this 'healthy selfishness'.
Giving up and staying dry (or drinking within controlled, healthy limits) is such a hard task, that if you are to achieve it then everything else must take second place for at least the first period of months after you have become dry. This doesn't mean that you always have to be thinking just about yourself, or that you can never do anything for anyone else. But when certain situations arise and you are faced with a difficult choice of either letting someone down or keeping yourself safe from a relapse, then you must put yourself first and avoid the high risk situation such as the party or wedding.
And don't expect them to understand either. Most people have no idea what a difficult task you are undertaking. You may lose some friends along the way; your relationships with family may actually get worse for a while rather than better. Are you prepared for that to happen? I think you need to be. And if you persevere, you will be stronger and have stronger relationships in the long run.
Next page .. Chapter Three - Question Nine
How To Enjoy Life Without Alcohol index
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